In 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about the “5 Stages of Death” also known as the “5 Stages of Grief®” , “5 Stages of Loss®” , or just “The 5 Stages.” She identified these stages as defense mechanisms or coping mechanisms to change, loss, and/or shock. The stages were not meant to described as linear, nor in a step by step manner. However, for the sake of written description, they have been laid out in the now famous DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) manner as it is a common path taken. Since the publication of “On Death & Dying” (1969), the stages have been adapted into the “Kübler-Ross Change Curve™”
Source
In a book co-authored with David Kessler and published posthumously, Kübler-Ross expanded her model to include any form of personal loss, such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a job or income, major rejection, the end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, the onset of a disease or an infertility diagnosis, and even minor losses, such as a loss of insurance coverage.[8] Kessler has also proposed "Meaning" as a sixth stage of grief.[12]
In 2020, during the COVID-19 pandemic, Kessler applied the five stages to responses to the virus, saying: "It's not a map but it provides some scaffolding for this unknown world."
"There's denial, which we saw a lot of early on: This virus won't affect us. There's anger: You're making me stay home and taking away my activities. There's bargaining: Okay, if I social distance for two weeks everything will be better, right? There's sadness: I don't know when this will end. And finally there's acceptance. This is happening; I have to figure out how to proceed. Acceptance, as you might imagine, is where the power lies. We find control in acceptance. I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn how to work virtually."[13]
Source + criticism of the Kübler-Ross model
I’m mulling this model over. It’s not the first time I’ve seen it… I’ve seen lots of grief models over the years for various reasons, with various health care practitioners, in academic settings, and social settings. Imperfect as it is, it provides a jumping off point for dialogue. As much of the criticism points out: there is simply not enough actual evidence and peer reviewed research to say This is THE model. Maybe there isn’t one model that fits all? Another criticism, it can make a person feel like they are failing somehow if they don’t progress through these stages as described. Who needs to add failure to progress on top of grief? No one, that’s who.
I am currently working with AWESOME COMPANY. That is their name for our purposes here, AC for short. *wink* They are dealing with a world of change. Important, lasting change in some cases… the kind that will allow them to grow into the future and be a company that thrives beyond its founder - a feat most companies fail to accomplish.
Not all companies want to grow beyond their founder, but for those that endeavor to do so; it is HARD. Often the very characteristics that allow a company to exist and grow initially are the very same that will stifle it from flourishing.
Entrepreneurs face a choice, at every step, between making money and managing their ventures. Those who don’t figure out which is more important to them often end up neither wealthy nor powerful. - Harvard Business Review
Here’s another article discussing why founders fail to scale their businesses.
Eh. I call BS in this case.
AWESOME COMPANY is self-aware and not facing issues of scale or denial with its founder. The founder knows their motivations, opportunities beyond the company they founded, and desires to mindfully shift to a different life for themselves while allowing the company to grow beyond them. Sure, balancing profit and power play into the strategic decisions, but the core motivations of this founder are neither. This founder wants to continue to grow and thrive personally, while also ensuring the company they founded has the same opportunity. And, the niche market the business serves needs them - and companies like them - to offer their services.
It seems like a win-win-win situation.
Yet, growth (which is a type of change) and grief are partners. There is not one without the other. Letting go of decision making power and seeing how the shift in leadership impacts long-term employees is very real. Loss is a part of change and growth. Learning to communicate changes effectively is another skill, yes, but also a change in behavior and habit. All hard. All require letting go.
Some of AC’s changes are in personnel. People coming and going. We are in the middle of historic shifts in workforce: the great resignation. I saw it called the shecession again yesterday, a reminder that women have vastly differentiated reasons for choosing to stay, shift, or leave work.
Staff departures are especially hard when people leave suddenly. This happened at AC. It is gutting. Unanswered questions stack up like unopened mail. There is not enough time to properly say goodbye. There is burying self and staff in the absolutely necessary but also distracting work of transferring information and knowledge before the departing employee is no longer available.
It is a small death.
I don’t say that lightly. At work, unless there is an established, longterm relationship with a co-worker outside the workspace, when someone leaves, they are just gone. It is jarring and painful. They have made a life choice, but as their colleague, their choice dramatically alters your circumstance. When it happens with little to no notice, it cuts deeply. There is no closure. The grief is inexplicable, uninvited, and it takes its own time to process.
And time is the commodity small businesses struggle with the most: often there are too few people to do the work on a daily basis already. How does leadership choose people over profit amidst their own grief and processing?
Short answer: They have to.
I’m witnessing how failing to address the very raw grief departing colleagues has on the remaining workforce plays out in a very large corporation; it is ugly. A company that was once considered a top company to work for in the US has lost employees at every level, and at historic levels of loss. The remaining employees are airing their grievances out loud, publicly with seemingly little meaningful response from remaining company leadership. I had a decade-long working relationship with this company prior to the pandemic, it is heartbreaking to see this play out now.
The good news for AWESOME COMPANY is they are making space for the remaining staff to share their experiences, actively building responsive systems of communication, and reflecting on the big and little changes. And, they aren’t doing it alone.
They are partnering with The Movement Movement - i.e. my AH-MAZING collaborator on this contract, Leah, and myself. Our endeavor to build resilient systems for communication, belonging, and equity challenges all of us - as the mandate is to collaborate. True collaboration invites everyone to get outside their comfort zone and into the learning zone. To research outside models, follow ideas offered, try things, tweak them, discard what no longer works, and invent the next better version. It is a pleasure to do the actual work. Together.
Change and grief are partners, but it’s not a binary. Grief is part of the process of change (and growth), but it’s just one of many partners. What else is there? What is possible beyond the grief? As the work with AWESOME COMPANY continues, I can’t wait to transition from the grief to acceptance, curiosity, belonging, and joy.
I wrote this blurb to describe a movement workshop I offered during the first year of the pandemic, but it applies to change in general:
We all know how to dance with change - we do it with every single step we take. We adapt to the conditions of the ground, momentum, and direction with our every move. So let’s get up on our feet and dance!
I do sometimes need a reminder.
Shall we?
It’s time for a classic dance break, methinks.
Turn on a song that makes you move.
Dance. The whole song.
Chair dancing and car/transit dancing count!
How did your mood shift?
Deep Dive: Resistance to change sources