Service
Helping people, making the world a better place, caring for others - these are all wonderful values centering service that hold a lot of meaning for people. I find a lot of meaning in the work I do with groups of people where I feel like I can have a positive impact. Recently, two questions have been whispering in my ear.
First, how do I draw a boundary between my desire to be of service and completely washing myself out? I’m a single parent of three children in a profession where I hold space for other people’s growth. A lot of my life is giving of myself and I’m still learning how to honor my own needs without feeling like a selfish twat.
Intellectually, I know that we all deserve rest, and time to engage in activities that feed our souls and yet - there is so much to do! So much I want to get done that I fear others won’t do - or can’t do for me. Even as I get better at making choices that place me *gasp* above my children, I still sit with guilt and worry that I’m swinging too far in the opposite direction (even as I hear my loved ones’ voices in my head - you’re not! it’s ok! go!)
The ironic second question, which is even more difficult to grapple with, is how does my desire to be of service feed my ego? Can I look at the part of myself that feeds on praise and an opportunity to present myself as simultaneously righteous and humble? In my work training leaders, the topic of authentically examining our flaws is important and this is what always comes up for me.
Recently, I had my first experience as a trainer in a room where most of the trainees did not speak English. This brought my role and my presence into question for me - how am I actually being of service here where I am not able to understand or communicate effectively? I had a partner who was delivering the content in the primary language of the participants and I focused my attention on supporting her while we were in the room together. I appreciated her energy in engaging participants, and watching her allowed me to witness the effort it takes to create and hold space for others.
My time on the sidelines here presented me with an opportunity to examine my own strengths, and how my skills and talents can best be put to use. It also allowed me to question my own comfort with doing the work and sitting quietly on the sides, in service of the actual goal.
Here again, another chance to hold contradiction in the palm of my hand. How can I both not erase myself and also not center myself? How can I be humble and selfish? A line I will have to learn to dance upon.