Today, I’m writing from bed. Is it a cold, or is it covid? Rapid test says it’s a cold. My cat thinks it’s wonderful. #hothubby, who had to take the kids to school on a day he starts teaching at 8am, less so. This too shall pass.
I’m hoping after my next nap for that wonderful bounce-back. Sometimes, in this bananas life, that happens. You know, you feel like garbage then take a nap. And Shazam! You wake up feeling like a shiny, new human!
I’m grateful today is a day I can easily shift work responsibilities to another day and not feel guilty or frustrated for not “showing up” the way I like to for others. I’ve always struggled with that: it’s perfectly acceptable and normal for other people to be occasionally sick; I have no problem rolling with the changes that brings to a workday, rehearsal, performance, class, whatever. But, when I am sick, I feel guilty and awful for letting others down. It makes zero sense. If everyone gets sick sometimes and it is just the way, I get to be included, right? I am an everyone, too. No?
Not yet. I’m working on it.
A friend and I were talking yesterday about how we haven’t forgiven ourselves for not having the same body we had in our 20’s when we were dancing 30+ hours per week. GTFOH with that, right? As many gifts as the dance world has given me that I endeavor to share with others - I hope to never share the body shaming from the early years of training. Keep it, old school ballet masters!
This body has produced three babies! This body survived and thrived through grad school in its forties! This body has had decades of fabulous dancing, sex, travel, sickness, health, twist, turn, jump, and roll. This body has held the room through tender times of witnessing thousands of people find some beautiful nugget of truth coiled up in their own body. This body has released. This body bleeds for a week straight every month and doesn’t die! This body is magic.
So, yeah. I’m working on letting go of 20’s body and welcoming with tenderness and joy 40’s body. I know all of those true things listed above (and more) in my head; yet, I don’t yet feel them in my heart and bones (yet).
I am a work in progress.
Another recent conversation - with a different marvelous human, discussing the benefits of dance practices applied to mental health practices - led me to remember this exercise for perspective. We did it together over the phone.
Try this:
Think of a task or circumstance that is big, hard, or heavy in your life right now. Ex. Finding a new primary doctor.
Make a shape with your body that represents that task or circumstance. There are no wrong answers here, just the shape that feels accurate to you. If you get stuck finding a shape, go for a shape that represents big/hard/heavy instead.
Make the shape a few times. Enter and exit that shape.
Now, imagine moving that shape in a way that was light and easy.
Do it. Make your original shape and move it from it’s big/hard/heavy state to a small/soft/light state.
Transform your shape a few times. What do you notice?
Consider applying this to all types of tasks and circumstances where you feel unable to move, change, or begin whatever the thing is… from silly to serious.
Damn. Damn. Feel better soon. My body in it's 40's was a whole saga. Now in it's 60's at least it makes more sense to me. I am going to try the shape exercise because I am having a really hard time writing. I'll let you know how it goes...xo jb