I’m not sure where my mind is this morning. The week has been a blur. Parent’s Association meeting last night on top of all of it, but you know what? Those parents showed up with a lot of curiosity and love for each other. It started out as another obligation, but was heartening in the end.
Why am I full of rage this morning? Why do I get so upset with #hothubby when he sleeps in; or worse when he leaves our bed in the middle of the night and sleeps downstairs? I feel bad for keeping him up with my snoring. I could have worn a nose strip. He shouldn’t have to ask me. I’m mad because I’m ashamed. I need to take responsibility at nighttime for my snoring so that he can rest and I won’t be ashamed and angry with him in the morning.
See what happened there? Up there? I did a shorthand version of the 5 why’s, then applied the why’s to my Moving Action Plan (MAP) Method.
I’ve been told I should not share my methods until people are at least buying them in book form or hiring me directly. But, these methods are meant to be applied, not kept in my head for the sake of the money I could be making.
And, yes. I snore. Especially when I’m a bit stuffed up, the air is dry, or it’s winter. I come from a long line of excellent snorers; we are champions!
Back to the method!
Name a problem and ask yourself Why? 5 times. That’s it. I’m pretty sure I wrote about this in a previous post… I’ll add the source material at the bottom of this one, just in case. In my example above: Why am I full of rage this morning? Why do I get so upset with #hothubby when he sleeps in; or worse when he leaves our bed in the middle of the night and sleeps downstairs?
I feel bad for keeping him up with my snoring.
I could have worn a nose strip.
He shouldn’t have to ask me.
I’m mad because I’m ashamed.
Okay, I only did four why’s here, but you get the idea.
Now, apply this to the MAP. (Moving Action Plan)
What do you want to change? Feeling ashamed and angry in the morning re: snoring and #hothubby not sleeping well.
What will happen if you do? Ex: He will rest
What is stopping you? Ex: thoughtlessness and not taking responsibility/action
Synthesis: I need to __3 re-framed to positive____ in order to change __1____, then I will __2___. I riffed/remixed it here: 3, 2, 1
Ex: I need to take responsibility at nighttime for my snoring (3) so that he can rest (2) and I won’t be ashamed and angry with him in the morning (1). In the original MAP the same idea would read: I need to take responsibility for my snoring in order to alleviate my shame and anger in the morning, then he will rest.
Couple of things:
#hothubby’s shift to downstairs had nothing to do with my snoring. He came up while I was writing to let me know he was up all night convinced he had Covid. He was worried that he would pass it on to his elderly students, or any students. His mind was doing the Covid Anxiety Shuffle. FUCK COVID. He’s taking a rapid test now to calm his nerves; and, he decided to take a test weekly as a precautionary measure going forward so if he does catch it, he won’t pass it forward. Solid action out of an anxious, sleepless night.
Regardless, I can alleviate my own drama-brain by taking the same steps in my MAP plan to ensure that I am being responsible for my own actions and don’t have to wonder if I’m keeping #hothubby up. Next time he has a sleepless night, I won’t be in my head about it - I can just ask him what’s wrong and offer to listen. :)
I hope this helps unstick some stuck places in you and your relationships. It definitely helps me get out of my head. You can also apply it to goal setting to drill down to your core reasons and motivations - and to make a solid action plan to fulfill your commitments.
More on the 5 Whys:
An example of a problem is: The vehicle will not start.
Why? – The battery is dead. (First why)
Why? – The alternator is not functioning. (Second why)
Why? – The alternator belt has broken. (Third why)
Why? – The alternator belt was well beyond its useful service life and not replaced. (Fourth why)
Why? – The vehicle was not maintained according to the recommended service schedule. (Fifth why, a root cause)[2]
The questioning for this example could be taken further to a sixth, seventh, or higher level, but five iterations of asking why is generally sufficient to get to a root cause.[3]
Snore like a champion!
oh boy. I so feel the getting all agitated only to find out, it's not about you. Hang in there HH. XO